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I showed my son a floppy disk today... ...he said: 'oh cool, you 3D-printed a save
*calls into work* "yo boss i'm real sick" "you don't sound sick..."
"Oh you just put lotion on? You're not going anywhere." - Doorknob
Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today...
If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning... Does that mean the
*job interview* Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? *pictures clients acting like
If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably
A Kiss can make my whole day... But anal could make my hole weak
Ever since the news came out about Samsung.... Their phones have been blowing up.
Why do midgets laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls
What is the term for a group of Canadians? Is it "an apology"? "Oh
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook... It's your own fault for not making
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing
I like my girlfriend's new glow-in-the-dark braces... ...her smile really lights
"Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP" -first rule of Sprite Club
Did you hear about the Pirate suffering from scurvy? His attempts to cure it were
H: You look nice. Me: I'm meeting one of my Twitter friends today. H: So you want
True: If you don't eat a whole basket of tortilla chips before your entree arrives
What did the snail say when he was riding on the back of the turtle? Weeeeeeeeee
A hawk snatched my gf's chihuahua today.. ..it got rid of that annoying bitch for
What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs? The
Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing
What do you call a relaxed redneck? A chillbilly.
Why shouldn't you sleep with a weatherman? They'll promise 12 to 14 inches, but you'll
How do you spot two bffs in prison They finish each other's sentences
Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always
How do you disappoint a Redditor? [removed]
I thought The Walking Dead was having a special tonight.... Turns out it was just
TIL I'm genetically predisposed to love heroin It's in my blood
[dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he
What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
What does a slave driver do with his slaves when he's bored? He racism.
A Midget Walked Past Me On The Sidewalk Today Wearing A Shirt That Said "I Hate
One hair in my soup Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup. - And what
NEVER date someone that works for your cell phone provider. You're welcome.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
What do elephants do in the evenings ? Watch elevision !
What do you call a black man who dies of heat exhaustion and a white guy that dies
I robbed a place with my boner and said it was a gun... I got a pretty STIFF punishment.
Why did the Gorilla visit Italy? An advertisement's headline enticed him - See Ape-les
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Why don't prison inmates just use liquid soap?
I work hard so my dog can have a better life.
What does James Bond say after a heavy workout? I would like to have Whey. Shaken,
What Is Bluetooth ? When your toothbrush stops working mid brushing
me: can i have a coke waiter: is Pepsi ok? me: ya pepsi's fine pepsi: i have a boyfriend
Sometimes I'll start talking to someone on the train, then go "Oh, this is where
what is the best way to smuggle drugs? In your dogs asshole. Should there be border
An infectious disease enters a bar... the bartender says,"we dont serve your
A Kiss can make my whole day... But anal could make my hole weak

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