I complained to my wife that I was short staffed at work She responded "yeah, and you have the same problem at home" zNSFW

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User: apeacezalt2

Categories: AdultConnect

Descartes walks into the bar. The bartender asks him, "will you have your usual

[dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he

My house is really small until I can't find my phone.

ME: all the King's horses and men couldn't put u back together HUMPTY DUMPTY: what

Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.

Ay' girl,is your dad a terrorist Cause you re da bomb

There are two types of people in this world. And I hate them both.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet

"Update the Force, young Skywalker" Said Adobe Wan Kenobi.

What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing they were both stuck up cunts.

Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.

Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY

My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come

What does a slave driver do with his slaves when he's bored? He racism.

What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae

What do grandparents smell like? "Depends"

You know... When someone says to you "Jesus loves you." It's always comforting.

"You know what." -- They.

What's an STD's favorite kind of pizza? Heperoni

What is a name for a female lawyer? Sue

What the quickest way to a mans heart? Though his chest with a knife

One hair in my soup Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup. - And what

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn't make pants.

Why can't a bike stand on it's own? Because it is two tired.

Apparently when your boss asks if you're on drugs "which drugs?" isn't

if people really didn't want to hear smartass responses they wouldn't keep asking

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell

NEVER date someone that works for your cell phone provider. You're welcome.

Two fish are in a tank... One is driving, and the other is manning the guns.