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Anyone want to hear my Human Centipede joke? Nah, I won't tell you it. It sucks ass.
What do golfers do on nights out? **par**ty.
My new cooking show, "Will Sasso Cooks With His Exposed Dick Really Close to
Difference between priest and acne? What is the difference between a Catholic priest
What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout "Heroes in a half shell."
I once was bored so I decided to eat a clock to *pass the time*. It was very *time
T Rex isnt so scary if you imagine a bunch of baby T Rexes watching Barney just giggling
What is the greatest intermolecular force of all time? Dipole, dipole, dipole, dipole,
How to get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve...
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and
My best friend and I were comparing our penises... for who has the biggest. It ended
How can you tell Russians are bad at driving stick? cause their cars are always Stalin
I am an expert at making balloon animals. May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?
My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips but It's all over now.
What is Jeb Bush's campaign slogan? Third time's the charm
What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard!
Why is Saturn like your balls?? Because it is in between jupeter an your anus.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed. Doctor: Ma'am,
A girl grabbed my cock and said, "Wow! Your dick wouldn't make a very good clock."
How many McDonald's counter girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to
This hating of people who breast feed in public places has to stop! I'll raise my
I got asked how I view lesbian relationships.. Apparently HD wasn't the correct answer.
I complained to my wife that I was short staffed at work She responded "yeah,
Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not "like
The first rule of procrastination club is: Google some weird shit then take a nap.
Why is my Tetris highscore like my wife? I beat both of them for fun.
What did Jay say when Adnan opened the trunk? Hae girl Hae
2120.
Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without
I don't like drive-thru's I think it's money out the window.
What's the best reason to date a pornstar? You never have to meet her father.
Ay' girl,is your dad a terrorist Cause you re da bomb
There are two types of people in this world. And I hate them both.
Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY
My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come
What's an STD's favorite kind of pizza? Heperoni
What is a name for a female lawyer? Sue
Apparently when your boss asks if you're on drugs "which drugs?" isn't
if people really didn't want to hear smartass responses they wouldn't keep asking
"911, what's your emergency?" Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past
A guy walks into a bar... Ouch.
Why the gills in the sea don't drink tea even though there is plenty of water That
Whilst at college I did experiment with marijuana. I did it in snow, I did it in
What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount
Two guys walk into a bar.. The third guy ducked.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down
The people in this ad look 'indie' & remind me of myself. As a consumer this
Letsh Have Shex! -Horny Sean Connery
Student: Teacher, can I ask you a question? Teacher: You just did.
Q: How many Kings of Spain does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Juan
What do Shakespearian Buddhists eat for breakfast? Om and cheese Hamlets.
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The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I didn't see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some
What do people call their grandmother in India? Naana
Duck Dynasty guy is right-- if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe
There's a 100% chance the Republicans will discuss Starbucks cups in a debate tonight,

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