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Retweet if you're naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you'd like to meet him!
What's the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One's a cunning runt
What do mutiny and an orgasm have in common? A sudden surge of seamen.
Why do gay men always have candles near their asses? So the gerbils can find their
How do you spot the blind man at the nudist beach? It's not hard
Why does BuzzFeed skip every other number when counting? They literally can't even.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i'd give a shit.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings"
How does an Australian clean is bum? Bidet, mate.
What did the Marine Biologist say when he saw two eels making love? "It's a
What's a lumberjack's favorite director? TimBuuurrrrrrrton
What's the difference between wild Iranian Ossetra caviar and my penis? One is a
FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr
When a woman says "WHAT did you just say?" say something different.
What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking
What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? Sparky
My internet connection on my farm was be terrible until I moved the router in the
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
how many people does it take to save the world? zero (compliments to my SO who thinks
What do you call a small, noisy dog? A subwoofer.
What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison? An escapea
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket
I have a split personality No he doesn't
What do grandparents smell like? "Depends"
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I have a pen..... I have a apple :D
Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve Because they all share the same DNA
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: "Well, isn't this quaint?"
Two fish are in a tank... One is driving, and the other is manning the guns.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father's Day. I know it was very expensive
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands.
From now on when skinny girls say they're fat I'm just gonna be like, "Yup"
How many people does it take to change a light bulb in Brazil? A Brazillion!!! http://imgur.com/c4CJjUd
I just got a new job at a gay magazine. I'm a poofreader.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount
Why didn't the principal of the school for the blind allow his students to go duck-hunting?
34352345 435
The only thing better than sarcasm... is irony.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down
My new bowflex comes tomorrow...so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won't kill all of them.
TIFU when I deleted my gym membership, hit my lawyer, & posted it to
HER: You look so nervous. ME: *nervously* HA. I'm never nervous. HER: You're sweating.
Why was there semen on the clean laundry? When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note
What do Jesus and your mom have in common? They both got nailed all night.
I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was
What do you use to cut the ocean? A seasaw
I once was bored so I decided to eat a clock to *pass the time*. It was very *time
A priest, a rabbi and a leprechaun walk into a bar. The leprechaun says, "Bejesus,
If two people had a race and one had sand in his shoe but the other did not, who
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit the frog's finger
According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.
When I hear "This call is being monitored for quality assurance" I think
ME: Is this Babies R Us CASHIER: Yes ME: No babies work here C: I know ME: It should
My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.
Here's two short jokes and a long joke: joke. joke. joooooooke.
There are two types of people in life... Those who think there are two types of people
Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it
PSA: If you've got an Islamic dog... Muslim
Did you guys know that water can talk? Water you talking about?

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