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Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over
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What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.
A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: 'I'm sorry, I'll have
What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking
[uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to
I once had a crippiling masturbation addiction... ...now i have a sex addiction,
My house is really small until I can't find my phone.
ME: all the King's horses and men couldn't put u back together HUMPTY DUMPTY: what
"Update the Force, young Skywalker" Said Adobe Wan Kenobi.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing they were both stuck up cunts.
What do grandparents smell like? "Depends"
You know... When someone says to you "Jesus loves you." It's always comforting.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn't make pants.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell
I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands.
What defies the law of gravity? Women. They heavier they are, the easier they are
What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar? Pushing in somebody's stool.
Anyone want to hear my Human Centipede joke? Nah, I won't tell you it. It sucks ass.
My new cooking show, "Will Sasso Cooks With His Exposed Dick Really Close to
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What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won't kill all of them.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was
Why was there semen on the clean laundry? When Greg woke up, his mom had left a note
Why was pregnant Cinderella late to the ball? Miscarriage
What do you call Jay-Z having a leg transplant? A hip-hop hip op.
It's just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own 'Dont Feed the Animals'
Donald Trump Does this count as putting the punchline in the title?
How to get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve...
What do you call little kids in Belgium? Brusselsprouts
A sadist and a masochist meet The masochist starts pleading, "Hit me! Please
I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours.
Why do seagulls live by the sea? If they lived by the bay they'd be bagels.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
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What do you call a Chinese conga line? A Chu Chu train
What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet! =D
What's better than two roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
A girl grabbed my cock and said, "Wow! Your dick wouldn't make a very good clock."
Who are the 3 most famous black women? 1. Oprah 2. Aunt Jamima 3. Motha Fucka
Opinions are like Assholes... Everyone has one, and some just taste better than others.
What do mutiny and an orgasm have in common? A sudden surge of seamen.
If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country, if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country Not
A blind guy walks into a bar... ...then a table, then a chair, then another chair...
When I say I'm gonna take a nap, it means I'm gonna go on my computer for three hours.
Why do elephants have 4 feet? Because in the animal kingdom 6 inches just wont do
I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.
Even after 20 years, Jared Fogle is still getting into smaller and smaller jeans.
I like my slaves like I like my coffee Fair Trade.
Chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? To go to the gay guys house Knock
What is your best "Yo mama" joke?
My house is really small until I can't find my phone.
Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel.
"Update the Force, young Skywalker" Said Adobe Wan Kenobi.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket
What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae
I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the

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