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how many people does it take to save the world? zero (compliments to my SO who thinks
If your'e anxious and you know it..... ...clasp your hands.
My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come
Why do Canadians do it doggy style? So they can both watch the hockey game.
They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama....
Nothing good has ever gone into a microwave at 3:00am.
What English King invented the fireplace ? Alfred the grate !
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands.
Nsfw Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? The zit waits untill
What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar? Pushing in somebody's stool.
I just found out I am a hipster Because I started using #NotMyPresident 8 years ago.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount
To all the girls that say Gentlemen don't exist anymore: They do exist but Gentlemen
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down
I want to start a coffee shop that only plays ambient/electronic music... and call
Letsh Have Shex! -Horny Sean Connery
Q: How many Kings of Spain does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Juan
its macaroni and cheese not macaroni and steve
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Why did Adele cross the road? She wanted to say hello from the other side. ^^^^^^hilarious
It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her
Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually
There's a 100% chance the Republicans will discuss Starbucks cups in a debate tonight,
In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library. Isn't that
Guy comes home with a flower bouquet... "Guess I'll have to spread my legs now",
You can't keep eating people's lunches from the break room & blaming the
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks
Why don't you see hippos hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
What's better than two roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather? A) He's got bugs on his
If I had a penny for every Donald Trump joke, I would have a small loan of one million
What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space. Successful
What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party ? No one
If Trump wins, I'm leaving the country, if Clinton wins I'm leaving the country Not
Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were. Mother:
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over
ADHD is ADD in high definition.
What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless.
What bees makes the best milk ? Boob-bees And also this is my first time using Reddit
I like my slaves like I like my coffee Fair Trade.
Person who fought in WWII hit with pepper spray... Now he is a seasoned veteran.
How to keep the flies off the bride at an Italian wedding Keep a bucket of shit next
What do you call children born of ginger people? Ginger-bred
Did you hear about the Coldplay concert in China last weekend? It was all yellow.
Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel.
[Spelling Bee] -Your word is phlegm -Can you use it in a sentence? *loudly clears
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me
How do two lawyers greet each other? With a firm handshake.
What's the name of the best brewer in the world? Bock Goodale
A triangle exploded and a piece hit me. It was a 60-debris angle.
Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22 one to screw
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night. I wanted it to be special
When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include "being
My mom recently bought a Jesus shaped flashlight When I asked her why she said: So
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
What do people from the 1930's and /r/news jokes have in common? They're both old.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you. Me: That's flattering, but I don't date

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