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Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today...
If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning... Does that mean the
*job interview* Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? *pictures clients acting like
If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably
A Kiss can make my whole day... But anal could make my hole weak
Ever since the news came out about Samsung.... Their phones have been blowing up.
Why do midgets laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls
What is the term for a group of Canadians? Is it "an apology"? "Oh
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook... It's your own fault for not making
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing
I like my girlfriend's new glow-in-the-dark braces... ...her smile really lights
"Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP" -first rule of Sprite Club
"I'm so pissed I could punch a ba-" "A what?" Big Baby from Toy
Is that mine? I was walking down the street when I saw black guy with a laptop. Is
Jokers of Reddit, any good blonde jokes or punch lines out there?
Pokemon Go has really improved my life... I used to always get in trouble for playing
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit the frog's finger
Did you hear about the Pirate suffering from scurvy? His attempts to cure it were
Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans? So people can read her lips.
H: You look nice. Me: I'm meeting one of my Twitter friends today. H: So you want
A Bug's Mind What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he crashes
True: If you don't eat a whole basket of tortilla chips before your entree arrives
My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.
Today I learned two things: 1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
What did the snail say when he was riding on the back of the turtle? Weeeeeeeeee
Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the
Libertarian Presidential Candidate's new Campaign, inspired by Bernie Sanders. "Feel
A hawk snatched my gf's chihuahua today.. ..it got rid of that annoying bitch for
asdf3333
Why did the Canadian cross the road? Because that's the direction his car was sliding.
What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs? The
What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet! =D
What do you call kangarooo jump and play hocky? the fam copter
Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing
Make sure you don't forget the 'R' when you're Googling, "movies of Gary Oldman."
What do you call a relaxed redneck? A chillbilly.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."?
How many portuguese people can fit on a scooter? A Brazilian
Why shouldn't you sleep with a weatherman? They'll promise 12 to 14 inches, but you'll
Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants? Incase he gets a hole in one
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they could spend
How do you spot two bffs in prison They finish each other's sentences
If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they
Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always
Impotence: Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings"
I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can
How do you disappoint a Redditor? [removed]
What's the difference between wild Iranian Ossetra caviar and my penis? One is a
A woman's JJ sized breasts saved her life in a car accident. Those same breasts were
I thought The Walking Dead was having a special tonight.... Turns out it was just
My favorite knock knock joke. I need someone to start it ... Someone start the knock
TIL I'm genetically predisposed to love heroin It's in my blood
Descartes walks into the bar. The bartender asks him, "will you have your usual
[dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he
Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.
What do you do with an elephant with three balls? Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet
Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
What does a slave driver do with his slaves when he's bored? He racism.

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