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I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face
What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? The pizza can feed a family
The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard
"Your mission... Should you chose to accept it..." *Go to a bar you Hate
Putting a woman on a $10 makes sense . . . . . . no one really wants a 1 or a 5.
"I'll be a dentist. Then they'll love me." "We're terrified of dentists."
What does a sheep in denial say? Nahhhh
How do I know when your sister's on her period..... Your dad's dick taste like blood
How to get a job... Interviewer: "What's your biggest weakness?" Interviewee:
If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning... Does that mean the
Heading to Chinatown after work... I heard it's Erection Day.
When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he's standing next to your girlfriend
How does J.G. Wentworth tell you that he's hungry? "It's my tummy, and I feed
A clown at the circus got tomato thrown at him from the audience, he turns and says
"It's 5 o'clock somewhere." - a shitty watch.
Knock knock. Who's there? Benjamin. Benjamin Who? Yes, Benjamin Netanya Who.
When someone tells you to "get a Life," just take theirs. They'll be happy
Why does little sally have a limp? SHE WENT TO JARED!
I see you've got your bill for using the Internet Yes and my dad's really going to
Wiping your ass is a lot like a traffic light Red means stop.
What did the homeless person say to the gay job interviewer when asked for his address?
What Did the Upvote whore say to the Redditor? I'll suck yo dick for a Upvote
Stealing mosquito repellent... Jacking Off!
My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine,
The best thing about adolescent humor... is that it never gets old!
What do you call bacteria that can swim fast? Micro Phelps.
I've decided to make an all-natural shampoo made from roots found in Africa. I'll
I think it is wrong that the Bali 9 get a one minute silence I mean, they already
What do you call a dumb elephant? Donald Trunk
I repaired my drum set after my son broke it... ... ... Now he has to deal with the
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes...but
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life
Has this one ever been used? Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was
What's the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One's a cunning runt
Why do gay men always have candles near their asses? So the gerbils can find their
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i'd give a shit.
How does an Australian clean is bum? Bidet, mate.
What's a lumberjack's favorite director? TimBuuurrrrrrrton
When a woman says "WHAT did you just say?" say something different.
What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? Sparky
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
What do you call a small, noisy dog? A subwoofer.
I have a split personality No he doesn't
I have a pen..... I have a apple :D
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: "Well, isn't this quaint?"
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father's Day. I know it was very expensive
From now on when skinny girls say they're fat I'm just gonna be like, "Yup"
Why didn't the principal of the school for the blind allow his students to go duck-hunting?
The only thing better than sarcasm... is irony.
My new bowflex comes tomorrow...so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex
TIFU when I deleted my gym membership, hit my lawyer, & posted it to
What do Jesus and your mom have in common? They both got nailed all night.
What do you use to cut the ocean? A seasaw
A priest, a rabbi and a leprechaun walk into a bar. The leprechaun says, "Bejesus,
According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.
Here's two short jokes and a long joke: joke. joke. joooooooke.
Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it
Teacher: How much is half of 8 Pupil: Up and down or across ? Teacher: What do you
212xc212xc1
My friend used my todo list to roll a blunt He's high on my list of priorities

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