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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented
What is your best "Yo mama" joke?
My house is really small until I can't find my phone.
ME: all the King's horses and men couldn't put u back together HUMPTY DUMPTY: what
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once GIRL: holy cow how did you survive ME: I
Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel.
"Update the Force, young Skywalker" Said Adobe Wan Kenobi.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing they were both stuck up cunts.
Do hamburgers make good vampires? No because they always find themselves in ghoulash
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral] alright everyone stop being all [finger
wer
What's an STD's favorite kind of pizza? Heperoni
Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve Because they all share the same DNA
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn't make pants.
Why can't a bike stand on it's own? Because it is two tired.
if people really didn't want to hear smartass responses they wouldn't keep asking
How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.
What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her?
If chopsticks were really better than a fork... ...wouldn't we be digging ditches
A guy walks into a bar... Ouch.
An irishman walks out of a bar...
Brexit There is a new slimming product in town. It is called Brexit. It'll help you
Do you hate yourself? Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs? Do you enjoy
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public
The hotel we stayed in for our holiday offered bed and board but it was impossible
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets.
THE HORROR! *splat THE TRAGEDY! *splat IT'S AWFUL! *splat SO MUCH BLOOD! *splat WHY
What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-think-he-saurus :) !! Lol What do you call
When my wife takes a nap, it's "desperately needed rest." When I do, it's
I'm sorry, Black Lives Matter is actually a peaceful and forward thinking movement
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Why did the Mexican take his Xanax? For hispanic attacks.
Ignorance is not bliss. It's just a fancy word for stupid.
Pavlov's doorbell One tuesday afternoon Ivan Pavlov is reading the paper, when his
dsadf
Shoutout to people who don't know what the opposite of in is. I'll give you some
What did the two tampons say to each other? Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number* Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
What do people from the 1930's and /r/news jokes have in common? They're both old.
In China the labels read, "Made by someone you know."
If two people had a race and one had sand in his shoe but the other did not, who
Why do lawyer's suits never have pants pockets? Because their hands are always in
ME: Is this Babies R Us CASHIER: Yes ME: No babies work here C: I know ME: It should
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her
Broken pencils... ...are pointless.
They say love is worth more than money. But I'm pretty sure my landlord is gona want
Why do seagulls live by the sea? If they lived by the bay they'd be bagels.
Guy comes home with a flower bouquet... "Guess I'll have to spread my legs now",
Someone should invent a version of Twitter for people who spell things like rappers.
Ropin' and Ranchin' by Larry Yett
You could be a "Before" model.
What is it called when you are on the edge of WiFi signal range? Router Limits!
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn't expecting
You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican
What did Spock find in the Enterprise Bathroom? The Captain's Log.
Does a cow give milk? No, they have to take it from her
A blind guy walks into a bar... ...then a table, then a chair, then another chair...
A man purchases a kitten, which he's having trouble house breaking. What does his

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